its happening again....

The sound of the phone pounds the heart, even worse the sight of voicemail turns my stomach in knots.
How do i feel? Mentally i'm dead, worthless, whats the point of trying to fall? Physically? what am i physically without my mind, my body can not function without it. Oh if only i could turn it off, my mind. To be numb...numb to my emotions...those betraying irrational things that dictate so much of our lives... that ruin moments and destroy memories.
How can two people that want the same thing see it so painfully different? We speak the same language see the same events read the same words.....

lost

So lost...so hurt...so confused. I'm damned if i do and i'm damned if i don't. How can you have a relationship without trust, how can you find that trust and ignore that deep feeling, hide that sick feeling that you know travels to your eyes...
Give a dog a bad name... but i wont be what is thought of me.. do i submit or prove them wrong...

The only person worth crying over is the one that will never make your cry...

home-void

How can I have a comfortable house, my own nice bedroom, a loving family and still feel homeless? My boyfriend's house, already set up, his own routine, style. Rather than find myself, i feel i fight to keep up and learn with no curve.
I fear I will never know what it's like to decorate my own house, pick out my own towels. To always feel like I'm filling up the empty nooks and crannies. Fighting for individuality, space, freedom.

Lost, floating, transparent, hazy

To live, to be alive...

another side, forgotten.

You lay in bed, a million thoughts all screaming to get out, to find their path, their meaning. You have all these great ideas, plans, ambitions. Knowing what you want, you know what you're capable of. You fall asleep with the best intentions only to wake up lost once more. You wake up to a world less clear, less forgiving to fall into your routine.
What is it about the night air that clears my head? Does it take all day for my soul to wake up? My best work is done at night, mentally and physically (what would i do without 24fitness?) I was asked a few weeks ago why? why do i bother? what wakes me up, what gets me out of bed. And i was taken back, of course it's a question i used to ask myself but when posed to be by someone who seemed to really need to know, to really hear an absolute answer, i realized the answer was so abstract, that i couldn't put it into words... perhaps a blog for a more unreasonable hour.

No closure, no end, only tiny beginnings...